The Used Yaoi Fanfiction
Bert frowned and turned, walking slap bang into someone. "Sorry, sorry! Today is not my day." Bert leaned down to scoop the girl up. He blinked in surprise and then smirked. "Oh, hi Dean," a sly smile snuck across Bert's face. One of the three girls she was with looked at him oddly. Bert looked mildly hurt. It had been an accident, after all. "Hey, Bert," Dean said wearily. Another one of her friends helped her to her feet and sent a comforting smile Bert's way. He smiled back, and noticed her. He frowned a little, she was about five eight and he felt kind of short. "Hiya shortstack," she chirped randomly, and kind of liking it, Bert grinned back. "'Sup chick?" The tall, pretty girl had long blondish hair and strange eyes. "Chick, your eyes!" Bert exclaimed suddenly. The girl looked slightly offended. "What about them? And my name isn't 'chick', thanks. It's Charlotte. "

"Sorry, I mean your eyes are like..." Bert leaned closer, happily invading personal space and examined her eyes. "They're like...brown and green and then they go all dark at the edge. Friggen' awesome!" Bert declared. Charlotte just softly shook her head at him and he grinned at her. "Hey, Dean, who're your friends?" Bert piped up.

"You know Charlie, and this is Lu-just call her Moshii. And this is Alicia Rose." Dean said, pointing out each of the girls in turn, from Charlie to the small, slightly, pretty, punky-looking girl she called Moshii to a thin girl with shoulder length dark hair who was wrapped in a big navy hoodie.
"So Bert can we help you?" Dean asked after a second where Bert's face went blank as a Plan hatched in his mind. Grinning, he said slowly. "You know girls, I think you can."

"Quinn! Wait up!"
Quinn paused, and turned, scratching the back of his neck. He scouted carefully behind Gerard for Bert. He wasn't there. "Uh, hey Gerard." He offered.
Gerard put his hands on his knees, bent over and wheezed. " Bert....can't bre-....gotta stop smoking...."

Quinn nodded wisely. "I see."

After about five minutes and several curses directed at the heavens, Gerard got his breath back and began, looking very seriously. "Hi. We need to talk, can we-er, hold on." Gerard told him and nosed into the dark stock room nearby. It was empty of all life but for the gummi bears. Gerard refused to believe they were inanimate. They were just too cute. "Come here, I need to talk to you." He hissed at Quinn who was standing looking rather bewildered. But none the less, he joined Gerard in the dark. "Er, so wh-"

"Bert likes you," Gerard interrupted, never one for delaying the point. "Likes you a lot. More than he even admits to himself, so I came to find out do you like him?"
Feeling bizarrely like he had stepped into a time machine and was a gawky thirteen year old again and he had just received his very first "Do you like me? Tick yes or no," note, Quinn answered; "Um I'm not really all that into um...guys to be honest." He said uncomfortably. "I have a girlfriend." Quinn certified. Because no gay man had ever had a girlfriend, of course.

Gerard sniffed in disbelief. "Sure you're not. And I'm the Queen of Mars. Anyway, Be-"
"Look, Gerard it's sweet of you to care so much about your friend and all but I'm just not into guys. Ok?" Quinn said firmly. There would be no mistakes about this.
Gerard rolled his eyes in the dark. "Suuuuurrreee, coz I've never seen you check out guys before. Most especially William's rather non-existent ass. You'd want to be careful with him by the way, his boyfriend's kinda big. Jealous type. Gabe."
Quinn went absolutely scarlet. Gerard could practically see him glowing in the dark. "I-I-I-I-I.....Shut up. He has a nice- What am I doing? I'm not into guys. OK?" He said defensively.
Well, well, Gerard thought. Looks like someone had gotten comfy in the Nile. "Alright, first off, you're so far in the closet you're finding Christmas presents. You're as camp as a row of tents. As gay as Christmas. As fruity as a Hawaiian cocktail. As-"

Quinn punched him in the stomach.

Gerard did not like this. Not one bit. He punched him right back. After all the necessary testosterone had been displayed they both sat down on a box of Wheetie Puffs. Catching his breath back, Gerard said. "You know, if you were gay, which I'm not saying you are, but if you were, do you think you'd like Bert?"

Quinn chewed on the inside of his cheek. "If I was, which I'm not but if I was, which we've already established that I'm not, I might be just the tiniest littlest bit attracted to him. But I'm not, and I'm not so we're not. Ok?"
After three minutes of intense thought, Gerard spoke "Er, right. But if you were, which you're not, you might be. Right?"
Quinn nodded. Gerard sighed. He had really gotten his fill of guys who were stuck in the closet with Frank. "Alright. If you were, which you're not, what might make you a little more attracted to him?"
Quinn paled and Gerard sensed he had over stepped the boundary line between hypothetical and reality. He waited to be punched again. After a second or two he unscrunched his eyes and peeked at a troubled Quinn. "Well, if I was which I'm n-" Quinn began.
Gerard forced back a sigh and snapped "Yes, you're not gay, I get it."
"Well, then maybe I'd be more erm..." Quinn briefly closed his eyes and scratched the back of his neck again. "attracted to him if he were a little more...confident."
Gerard blinked in surprise. "Bert? Be more confident?"
Quinn nodded, apparently not sensing the cynicism.  "I'm more attracted to gu-girls that are you know...confident."

Gerard nodded at the darkness. Ok, he supposed, Quinn had only met Bert a few times, and both those times he had been unable to speak or you know...not injure or terrify him. For all Quinn knew, Bert could be as delicate and shy as a geisha. "Alright," Gerard perked up. All he had to do was remind Bert to be his most confident. Well, maybe not his most confident, Bert's least confident was confident enough. If that made sense. "This should be easy."
Quinn looked up. "What should?" He asked suspiciously. Gerard waved a hand at him dismissively and exited the stock room, only knocking into one box of toilet paper on his way out. All he had to do was make Quinn dump his girlfriend, drag him out of the closet and stop Bert acting like a love struck eleven year old girl every time he saw him. Gerard was beginning to regret his over-confidence. And also beginning to hate the word 'confidence'.

After work.

Gerard strolled up in front of the dilapidated  couch and tapped a yard stick on his palm.
Someone snapped their gum in a bored fashion. Gerard was willing to bet it was Frank. "Ok, gadies and lentlemen, we are gath-"
"Did you just call us 'gadies and lentlemen'?" Jeph demanded. Gerard shook his head slowly in a long suffering way. Clearly Jeph was stupid.
"There aren't even any ladies here." Dan pointed out. Gerard scowled. "Yeah, well we would have had Amy and Hayley over to help us but my mom doesn't let me bring girls into the den. Anyw-"

"But doesn't she realize you're gay? If she was worried about your virtue shouldn't she be more worried about the fact that you have different guys in here like every week?" Frank asked, surprisingly the voice of reason. Gerard chose not to point out how his mother had been assured by her therapist that it was 'probably just a phase' and instead smacked his ruler on the white board he had written the plan onto.

"Shut up! Alright, this is our plan." He began, finally gaining the attention of Jeph, Dan and Frank.
"Bert needs help and so does Quinn. So, I've come up with an ingenious plan to help them both at the same time." Gerard waited for his applause and gasps of astonishment. What he got was another bored gum-snap from Frank. Dan wanted to know who Quinn was.
"It doesn't matter." Gerard snapped, losing his little patience. "You'll find out when we're stalking him."
"When we're what?!" The three on the couch exclaimed.

Gerard growled in impatience. "Oh, come on, you hardly thought it was going to be an easy job did you? It's gonna be hard and dirty and-"

"I like the sound of that!" Frank interrupted. Jeph and Dan snickered. Gerard brandished his yard stick at them. "Shut up! And listen to the plan!"

They shut up. A pissed off Gerard was not a fun Gerard. "Step One. We will stalk Quinn to find out what kind of guy he'll go for and what he's into. Stalking Party is; Elf, Cakes, Muscles and the Wolf. Step Two-"

"Wait, what? Who are they?" Jeph asked impatiently. Gerard grit his teeth.

"Well we all need code names, agreed? So, Jepha is Cakes because of those yummy biscuit type things that are called Jaffa Cakes, because Jepha sounds like Jaffa right? And Frank is Elf, for obvious reasons and Dan is Muscles for also apparent reasons. And I get to be the Wolf because I'm spearheading this entire mission." Ignoring the protests and bewildered looks, Gerard carried onwards valiantly."Step Two. We seduce Quinn's girlfriend away from him. Seduction Party is; Muscles."

"What? Why me?" Dam demanded. Gerard heaved a heavy sigh. "Because Muscles, you're the most seductive -not to mention the least gay - out of all of us."
Gerard noted that Muscles looked upset at being the least gay and Cakes looked murderous. Still, he carried on. "Step Three; Turning Bert into the most confident and sexiest guy alive. Sexyness Party; Muscles, Elf, the Wolf, Iron man, White-Fro and Cakes."

"Who in the name of Tim Burton are Iron man and White-Fro?" Jepha asked, rubbing his eyes in a tired way.  "Di you just take the Burton's name in vain?" Gerard gasped. Frank was shaking his head slowly at Jeph and Dan was distancing himself from him. "Blasphemy!" Gerard cried, pointing at Cakes with his yard stick.

Frank looked on in disappointment at Jeph, and then perked up. "Oh!" He shouted at Gerard, putting his hand up." Oh, is Iron man Bob and White-fro Ray?"

Easily distracted, Gerard beamed at Frank and tapped him on the head with his stick. "Good job little one." He said gravely. "You will go far." Returning to his normal voice, Gerard sang, "Ok! Any questions?"

Dan put his hand up and asked; "Yes, here! Ahem, are you insane?"

Gerard considered this. "Possibly. Anyway, Step Four, the final Step. Dragging Quinn from the river of denial. We must make Quinn realize that he bats for our team. This will be achieved be making him see how hot Bert is. Makeover Team; Cakes, Elf, the Wolf and Count Specula. Before you ask, that's Mikey. He wanted that name."

"Why aren't I on that team?" Dan wanted to know, looking hurt. Having no time to be anything other than brutal, Gerard answered "Because, no offence, but you're crap at make-up and hair styling."  

Dan gasped. "I am not!" He said in horror. Frank patted Dan's wrist and glared at Gerard.

"You kind of are." Gerard said blithely before noticing the look of anguish on Dan's face. "It's ok, you don't need make-up, that probably why you don't know how to apply it." Gerard said hurriedly, desperately trying to salvage the remains of poor Muscles. Jeph stroked Dan's hair soothingly and Gerard put his yard stick down. "Alright, meeting time is tomorrow, after work at HQ. Which is here."

The three nodded, Dan still looking mildly resentful and Gerard waved them off, his Muscles, Cakes and Elf.