The Fastpass Ch 3
"Dude!" Gerard and Bert both exclaimed at the same time as they spotted each other across the shop floor. Bert hurried across to Gerard and Gerard hurried across to Bert and as they met in the middle they both started talking fast at each other.
"So, we going through with the plan today and I think Dean is over there, so to refine it; I'll go talk to her and be really-" Gerard began at the same time as Bert did.
" I got right in the shower, and I noticed something was weird, so I looked down-" Bert talked as Gerard did, with that weird best-friend ability to talk and listen at the same time.
"-really nice, but I won't be flirty until I talk to her later on and-"Gerard nodded to himself, scratching his left arm nervously.
"-And when I looked down I realised I hadn't taken my socks off-" Bert explained, fluffing up his hair, which was up in pigtails.
"-so the timetable is, I'll talk to her now, and then at twelve, and again at lunch and again before we head home and-" Gerard planned, counting down the times on his fingers.
"-so I took my socks off, and threw them into the sink, and then I realised I could like, see the sink, so I noticed that I was still wearing my glasses. So, I took them off, and put them into the cabinet, and then I found some red hair dye, so I dyed the back of my hair and that's why I was late-" Bert continued blithely.
"-and I'll gradually get more and more flirty as the day progresses, meanwhile you spend those times talking to and seducing Mikey-" Gerard paused in his rapid speech to suppress a shudder.  
"-and then I was all; screw you man! And dad was like; don't call your mother a man. And I was like; but I don't screw women. And dad was all; you brought a girl home last week. She stole the silver. So I said; Yeah, but how the hell was I supposed to know he was a she? And dad was like; SHE WAS WEARING A SKIRT. And I was like; DO YOU NOT SEE WHO I USUALLY DATE? And mom was all; They do usually wear skirts, to my dad and he was like; Wha'? So I said-"
"And then we'll get married and live happily ever after! And Mikey won't care, 'cause he'll be in love with..." Gerard paused to wonder who exactly Mikey could marry. "Jeph. Mikey can marry Jeph and live happily ever after, and they can have a trillion babies." He decided.
"-So, I told Matt why I was late and he was like; One of these days, McCracken!  So, I said; Pow, right in the kisser? And then he was like; What? Never mind, I don't care, the point is, stop screwing my workers. And I was like; That wasn't even vaguely close to what we were talking about. And he said; What? What were we talking about, then? And I was like; Me being late? So he said; Right. Don't do that either. But I think he was joking, you know, about the 'Stop; screwing the workers McCracken!' So, it's ok-"
"Yeah, and then-" Gerard began and Bert slapped him. Holding his cheek in shock, Gerard snapped; "What?!" Bert looked at him and said sulkily; "I don't want Jeph to marry Mikey. I like Jeph." Gerard rolled his eyes, and pulled Bert along easily to the staff notice board to see if he had Saturday off.
At the staff board, Bert ignored it and continued telling Gerard about his morning; "So I said-"
"I thought you loved Quinn?" Gerard interrupted. Bert looked confused. "Wha'? Well, yeah, duh. Doesn't mean I can't like Jeph."
"But," Gerard said carefully, "I thought Jeph was with Dan." A scowl flitted across Bert's face and he waved him away, turning his face to the board instead of looking at Gerard. "Doesn't mean I can't like him." He muttered, when Gerard refused to stop staring at him. Gerard placed a comforting hand on Bert shoulder and Bert shook it off, "There's nothing wrong, I'm allowed have a crush-What in the name of crapfuck is that?" Bert demanded, easily distracted by the yellow notice, slapped onto the centre of the board. Gerard leaned forward to read it aloud. "Attention; staff of The Fastpass. Any member of staff known to have relations with younger staff will immediately be dismissed from this work force-"
Bert frowned for a second and then relaxed; "They probably mean Frank, coz he's not legal yet or-"
Gerard continued reading; "...and any staff known to have relations with one Robert Edward McCracken will be immediately dismissed." He finished.
Bert gawped at the notice for a second in shock. He turned to Gerard, who was convulsing with laughter and demanded; "What!? How is that funny?! You know what will happen now? No one will ever want me, and I'll turn into a woman and become an old maid and have ninety million cats, and people will refer to me in hushed tones as 'the crazy cat woman' and I'll end up having sex with some man they'll refer to as the 'crazy, snake man' and then not even he will want m-"
Bert shut up and turned around when a voice behind them murmured; "Well, I did always want what I can't have. Hi, I'm Travis." A tall, muscular boy introduced himself to Bert. Looking rather shocked for a second, Bert quickly regained his composure and smirked. "Bert. McCracken."
The dark haired boy grinned lazily, and Bert sniggered. "Oh, I know you are." Travis said, the corners of his mouth lifting.
Gerard rolled his eyes and blended into the background until Bert had given Travis his number and waved him off. The second he disappeared around the corner, Gerard stabbed Bert with his finger. Jumping away and wincing, Bert squeaked; "What!?"
"Do. You. Realise. You could lose your job for this, you freakin' idiot. I f the sign says they could lose their job, it's more than likely, you would too!" Gerard hissed, poking Bert with a finger for each word.
Bert just shook his head, as if Gerard was being silly. "Do you understand what this means?" Bert beamed, clutching Gerard close. Gerard half-shook his head for Bert to continue. "This means, thanks to Matt's stupid sign saying it's now dangerous to be with me, it means..." Bert glanced around and hissed. "It means I am now irresistible!" Bert flung his arms wide happily and shook his hips in victory. Gerard sighed and Bert grinned, and threw out his arm again, clonking someone right in the ribs. That someone gasped, and made a weird choking noise as Bert turned to investigate, full of apologies. "Oh my god, I'm really sorry, I didn't see you ther-Ugh." Bert swallowed, making an audible clicking noise in his throat.  "Hi, Quinn." Gerard gave a little wave to the boy who was slowly turning pink. Bert clashed with him a bit, he was fire-engine red. "Ungh..." He tried again, and literally facepalmed. "Hey, Gerard. " Quinn gasped, curling forward and clutching his ribs. "I'll talk for Bert if that's ok, he's a little...embarrassed." Gerard said. Bert made a squawky, undignified noise. Gerard translated as "He says 'Hi, I'm Bert,' and he's sorry for hitting you. Um, do you wanna go sit down or something?" Gerard asked, a little worried at the red colour that flooded Quinn's face when he looked at Bert. Bert looked so mortified that Gerard was mildly afraid he was going to pass out. Quinn gave a wave with the hand not curled around his ribs. "Quinn says, 'Hey, I'm Quinn'." Gerard translated. Quinn and Bert looked at him oddly. Bert sniffed and Gerard continued. "Bert thinks you're hot. That was his 'Wow, you're hot' sniff."  Bert looked down at the ground, pushing it with his toe so it would swallow him. Quinn went, if possible, darker still. "I er...have a girlfriend. Who's, you know...a girl. Wait, you have a 'Wow, you're hot sniff'?" Quinn stuttered. "Girlfriends do tend to be girls." Bert confided to the floor in a dry manner. "Er...right." Quinn swallowed. "I should ...go. Gerard, I'll see you in school I guess, and Bert I'll...see you...Um. Around." Quinn said and limped off quickly.

"Well...." Gerard said. "That went well, don't you think?" He said pleasantly. Bert turned to stare daggers at him. "I said six words to him. And injured him. And then you ran him off. All in all Gerard, no, I would not say that 'went well'. I'd say it was an unmitigated disaster, that was all your fault."Bert turned around and stomped off. Then stomped right back. "Just for that," he hissed, "I'm not gonna fuck your brother!" he said vehemently. Gerard stared after him, with a hurt expression on his face. Fine, he decided, I'll just go talk to Quinn, like a normal, sane person and tell him Bert likes him a lot. Perfect, he thought, pleased, running quickly after Quinn, and not spotting Bert's hurt scowl when he saw him choose to follow Quinn rather that Bert.