Ch. 2
Frank hopped up to sit on the counter beside Gerard. "Hi Gee! Bert wants to talk to you."
Gerard inspected his nails. "'Bout what?" Frank leaned forward and whispered, "He needs a..." Frank flicked his eyes around. "A...Plan."
"A Plan?" Gerard said excitedly.
Frank clapped his hand over his mouth. Gerard arched an eyebrow at him. "Shh... He's over there."
"'Oo?" Gerard asked, slightly muffled. Frank nodded over to a tall, blonde boy Gerard know vaguely from school. "Him. Bert thinks he's in love. Again."
"But he was just in love with that muscled guy the other day!"
Frank shrugged. "Yeah...turns out, he was a girl. And she stole his wallet."
Gerard rolled his eyes and slouched down to lay his face on the desk "Of course. Why not."
"Anywhoodle, he needs to talk to you. Got a returning message for him?"
"Yes. Tell him I need him to come up with a Plan for me and to meet me at his house after work. Good boy, goodbye."
Frank didn't move. Gerard sighed and handed him a cigarette, as Frank usually demanded from each of them when they sent him on messages. Frank hopped down and skipped back to Bert.
^^^After work^^^
Gerard didn't bother knocking on the front door, Mrs. McCracken tended to scold him for it. He just walked up the stairs and knocked on Bert's bedroom door. Bert threw it open with vigour.
Dramatically, he put the back of his hand to his forehead and declared, "Gerard...I'm pregnant,"
"Not surprised,"
"Shut up dad," Bert scolded his father who was coming out from the bathroom and looking at his son. Bert turned back to Gerard and announced, "Well? Anything to say?"
Gerard rolled his eyes and watched impassively as Bert cradled his flat, empty stomach lovingly. "Who's the daddy?"
Bert thought for a second, and then decided, "You are. I hope you're responsible,"
Gerard sniffed and entered Bert's bedroom, Bert trailing behind him, rubbing his stomach. "We haven't ever even slept together,"
Bert scowled at him, "I'm a pregnant dude and that's the logic you wanna pick on? The fact that you're a Birgin?"
"I'm a what?" Gerard sat on Bert's queen sized bed, with black satin sheets as demanded by the queen himself. Bert shrugged in reply. "The guys at work have decided to call the people I haven't slept with 'Bert-virgins' or Birgins,"
Gerard thought about this for a second, while he fingered the black satin, "So as 'Birgins, " Gerard shuddered, "there's...me. And that's it."
Bert scowled again and threw a pillow at his head, which was a remarkable feat considering Gerard was sitting on them. "And Frank,"
Picking himself up from the ground, Gerard snorted, "So, they only people you work with that you haven't slept with is me, your best friend ever, or Frank. Your bestest nerdiest fwiend ever,"
Bert considered this for a second. "Am I a slut?"
"Yes. Now, I hear you're in love again, tell me all about him," Popping her head in the door, Bert's mom asked, "Bertie's in love again? Awh, who's the lucky guy?" Waving a quick hello to Gerard, "Hello, dear, I didn't hear you come in. So, come on, spill. Tell me all the news," Mrs. McCracken settled herself on the bed comfortably. Gerard pointed at Bert, "Your son is pregnant. With my baby, apparently,"
"But you two haven't even...ahem," Mrs McCracken said thoughtfully.
"Why is that the fact people have trouble with?!" Bert frowned.
"So, who is he?" Mrs McCracken wanted to know. Bert looked at her disdainfully. Gerard nudged him, "Frank pointed him out to me. You know? He's in my class, his name is Quinn Allman."
Bert leapt on Gerard, happily knocking him back on the bed. "You know him? Are you friends with him? Does he know me? Is he smart? He looks smart. Even though he's blonde. But still, I think he looks smart. Is he smart?" Bert babbled, sitting on top of Gerard. Gerard shoved him off, and rolling her eyes, Mrs McCracken elbowed her son. "Well?"
Hating to burst Bert's bubble, Gerard said quietly, "Actually, I'm not sure he's gay," he said gently.
Bert flapped a hand at him, "Of course he is. He just doesn't know it yet,"
Gerard bit his lip, "Bert, he has a girlfriend,"
Bert thought about this, and then happily waved it away. "Not for long. I swear to god, if I have to I'll turn him gay,"
Gerard pushed him to gain his attention again. "Bert, you're not some sort of gay vampire. You can't just 'turn him gay'," Gerard said reasonably.
Bert pointed at him. "You, my friend, make it very obvious that you've never slept with me."
Covering her ears, Mrs McCracken stood, "And here is where I take my leave. Gerard, you're staying for dinner."
Gerard began to shake his head, "I've already had dinner, thank-"
"Too bad. It's your favourite, and I'll be damned if I cooked your favourite for dinner and you don't eat it."
Bert opened his mouth to complain, "How come Gerard gets his favourite food for dinner and I don't?"
Mrs McCracken walked out the door, and popped her head back in to answer her son, "Because Gerard isn't in trouble for bringing a transsexual who stole my silver back to the house,"
"It was one time!" Standing and calling after his mother, Bert repeated vehemently, shaking his fist at the closed door, "One time!"
Turning back to Gerard sadly, he informed him, "And she stole my wallet. How was I supposed to know she was a she? Or that she had a penchant for stealing cutlery?"
Gerard nodded agreeably and patted Bert on top of his messy head. "So, you have a Plan? 'Coz I need one too," Gerard sighed, ready to give Bert the shock of his life. Lying back on the bed with his head on Gerard's knee, Bert allowed him to style his hair and lazily informed him, "You like Dean. And Dean likes you. But Mikey's with Dean. "
Dropping Bert's hair in shock, Gerard jumped up, accidently knocking his best friend to the ground.
"Ew...I landed on my boxers!" Bert whined, and then he picked them, up and further inspected them. "Wait, these aren't mine."
"Oh my god, how did you know? If Mikey's knows I'm so screwed! Oh my god!" Gerard agonised, pulling at his hair in stress.
Bert held out the pair of boxers, "Are these yours? Please tell me these are yours."
Gerard pulled his hair again, "Oh my god, if you know, then Frank'll know and if Frank knows then Mikey 'll know, because they're-why would my boxers be in your room?-really good friends and they talk lots, OHMYGOD what if Dean knows?!"
Bert frowned at the offending articles and asked it, "If I was a pair of boxers who would I belong to..." he mused, then perked up. "Quinn!" he decided. "Wait, what are we talking about?"
Gerard sat back heavily on the bed, and cradled his head in his hands. Mrs McCracken rushed into the room suddenly. She looked from Gerard to Bert, and sighed in relief. "Oh thank goodness,"
Bert's brows furrowed in confusion, "Wha'?"
"I heard something about 'boxers' and then Gerard kept saying 'oh my god' and I heard a thump so..."
Bert sat up from the floor, to better glare at his mother. "So, from that meagre information you assumed we were fucking?"
Looking rather cornered, Mrs McCracken adopted the defence mechanism of all McCrackens and inched backward out of the room without breaking eye contact.
Bert glared at her until she had disappeared from view. He lay on his stomach on the floor, putting his elbows out and putting his chin in his hands. Even in the depth of his crisis, Gerard somehow found the energy to insult him. "You look like an eleven year old girl. You should have pigtails."
Bert actually took this quite seriously, he fingered his hair. "Hmm...Yes. Yes I should." He decided, making mental plans to do that tomorrow for work.
Gerard shook his head in despair and Bert picked at his nails. "Okay, I have a Plan. You," he pointed at Gerard, lest he get the idea he was speaking to someone else. "must slowly seduce Dean. I'll...distract Mikey for you. OR! Or, I can sleep with Mikey and when Dean finds out he cheated on her, with a guy, especially, she'll be disgusted. And she'll look for comfort in your arms."
"That won't work, Mikey's not gay. Or even bi." Gerard shook his head.
"We'll see." Bert said, deciding not to tell Gerard that it wouldn't have been the first time he'd slept with Mikey. "It's not like Mikey hasn't cheated on her before."
Gerard's head snapped up. "What?"
Crap. "Um...Nothing?" Bert said hopefully. Gerard stood and stopped in front of him. "What." Gerard repeated. Bert remained silent, instead choosing to go with a blank smile. Gerard looked at him. Then knelt on Bert's back and dug his knee in. "Owowowowow! Ow, Gerard! Fine fine fine. Stoppit stoppit, I'll tell you!"
Standing, Gerard stared at Bert, who looked at him rather sheepishly. "Um ...well see, Mikey and er...I may have. May have ...slept together."
"You slept with my little brother?!"
"Um...May have?" Bert offered, then thought, well, in for a penny, in for a pound. "On...er...more than one occasion."
Gerard grasped his shoulders and for one scary second, Bert was sure he was gonna hit him. Instead he scooped him up into a hug. "Bert! I love you I love you I love you, this is great! Mikey's a cheater!"
A rather bemused Bert nodded slooooowly. "Riiiggght...Yeah. Great..."
"No, see, now I don't have to feel bad about liking Dean!" Gerard said with excitement.
"Er...right." Said Bert, relieved. "So, what about Quinn?"
Gerard sat back and thought for a second. "Ok, I've got it. I'll talk to Quinn. We'll discuss what I'll say tomorrow. I gotta go home now!" Pecking his best friend's cheek, Gerard hopped out the window, calling a "Bye!" and disappearing before Mrs McCracken could force feed him.
Frank hopped up to sit on the counter beside Gerard. "Hi Gee! Bert wants to talk to you."
Gerard inspected his nails. "'Bout what?" Frank leaned forward and whispered, "He needs a..." Frank flicked his eyes around. "A...Plan."
"A Plan?" Gerard said excitedly.
Frank clapped his hand over his mouth. Gerard arched an eyebrow at him. "Shh... He's over there."
"'Oo?" Gerard asked, slightly muffled. Frank nodded over to a tall, blonde boy Gerard know vaguely from school. "Him. Bert thinks he's in love. Again."
"But he was just in love with that muscled guy the other day!"
Frank shrugged. "Yeah...turns out, he was a girl. And she stole his wallet."
Gerard rolled his eyes and slouched down to lay his face on the desk "Of course. Why not."
"Anywhoodle, he needs to talk to you. Got a returning message for him?"
"Yes. Tell him I need him to come up with a Plan for me and to meet me at his house after work. Good boy, goodbye."
Frank didn't move. Gerard sighed and handed him a cigarette, as Frank usually demanded from each of them when they sent him on messages. Frank hopped down and skipped back to Bert.
^^^After work^^^
Gerard didn't bother knocking on the front door, Mrs. McCracken tended to scold him for it. He just walked up the stairs and knocked on Bert's bedroom door. Bert threw it open with vigour.
Dramatically, he put the back of his hand to his forehead and declared, "Gerard...I'm pregnant,"
"Not surprised,"
"Shut up dad," Bert scolded his father who was coming out from the bathroom and looking at his son. Bert turned back to Gerard and announced, "Well? Anything to say?"
Gerard rolled his eyes and watched impassively as Bert cradled his flat, empty stomach lovingly. "Who's the daddy?"
Bert thought for a second, and then decided, "You are. I hope you're responsible,"
Gerard sniffed and entered Bert's bedroom, Bert trailing behind him, rubbing his stomach. "We haven't ever even slept together,"
Bert scowled at him, "I'm a pregnant dude and that's the logic you wanna pick on? The fact that you're a Birgin?"
"I'm a what?" Gerard sat on Bert's queen sized bed, with black satin sheets as demanded by the queen himself. Bert shrugged in reply. "The guys at work have decided to call the people I haven't slept with 'Bert-virgins' or Birgins,"
Gerard thought about this for a second, while he fingered the black satin, "So as 'Birgins, " Gerard shuddered, "there's...me. And that's it."
Bert scowled again and threw a pillow at his head, which was a remarkable feat considering Gerard was sitting on them. "And Frank,"
Picking himself up from the ground, Gerard snorted, "So, they only people you work with that you haven't slept with is me, your best friend ever, or Frank. Your bestest nerdiest fwiend ever,"
Bert considered this for a second. "Am I a slut?"
"Yes. Now, I hear you're in love again, tell me all about him," Popping her head in the door, Bert's mom asked, "Bertie's in love again? Awh, who's the lucky guy?" Waving a quick hello to Gerard, "Hello, dear, I didn't hear you come in. So, come on, spill. Tell me all the news," Mrs. McCracken settled herself on the bed comfortably. Gerard pointed at Bert, "Your son is pregnant. With my baby, apparently,"
"But you two haven't even...ahem," Mrs McCracken said thoughtfully.
"Why is that the fact people have trouble with?!" Bert frowned.
"So, who is he?" Mrs McCracken wanted to know. Bert looked at her disdainfully. Gerard nudged him, "Frank pointed him out to me. You know? He's in my class, his name is Quinn Allman."
Bert leapt on Gerard, happily knocking him back on the bed. "You know him? Are you friends with him? Does he know me? Is he smart? He looks smart. Even though he's blonde. But still, I think he looks smart. Is he smart?" Bert babbled, sitting on top of Gerard. Gerard shoved him off, and rolling her eyes, Mrs McCracken elbowed her son. "Well?"
Hating to burst Bert's bubble, Gerard said quietly, "Actually, I'm not sure he's gay," he said gently.
Bert flapped a hand at him, "Of course he is. He just doesn't know it yet,"
Gerard bit his lip, "Bert, he has a girlfriend,"
Bert thought about this, and then happily waved it away. "Not for long. I swear to god, if I have to I'll turn him gay,"
Gerard pushed him to gain his attention again. "Bert, you're not some sort of gay vampire. You can't just 'turn him gay'," Gerard said reasonably.
Bert pointed at him. "You, my friend, make it very obvious that you've never slept with me."
Covering her ears, Mrs McCracken stood, "And here is where I take my leave. Gerard, you're staying for dinner."
Gerard began to shake his head, "I've already had dinner, thank-"
"Too bad. It's your favourite, and I'll be damned if I cooked your favourite for dinner and you don't eat it."
Bert opened his mouth to complain, "How come Gerard gets his favourite food for dinner and I don't?"
Mrs McCracken walked out the door, and popped her head back in to answer her son, "Because Gerard isn't in trouble for bringing a transsexual who stole my silver back to the house,"
"It was one time!" Standing and calling after his mother, Bert repeated vehemently, shaking his fist at the closed door, "One time!"
Turning back to Gerard sadly, he informed him, "And she stole my wallet. How was I supposed to know she was a she? Or that she had a penchant for stealing cutlery?"
Gerard nodded agreeably and patted Bert on top of his messy head. "So, you have a Plan? 'Coz I need one too," Gerard sighed, ready to give Bert the shock of his life. Lying back on the bed with his head on Gerard's knee, Bert allowed him to style his hair and lazily informed him, "You like Dean. And Dean likes you. But Mikey's with Dean. "
Dropping Bert's hair in shock, Gerard jumped up, accidently knocking his best friend to the ground.
"Ew...I landed on my boxers!" Bert whined, and then he picked them, up and further inspected them. "Wait, these aren't mine."
"Oh my god, how did you know? If Mikey's knows I'm so screwed! Oh my god!" Gerard agonised, pulling at his hair in stress.
Bert held out the pair of boxers, "Are these yours? Please tell me these are yours."
Gerard pulled his hair again, "Oh my god, if you know, then Frank'll know and if Frank knows then Mikey 'll know, because they're-why would my boxers be in your room?-really good friends and they talk lots, OHMYGOD what if Dean knows?!"
Bert frowned at the offending articles and asked it, "If I was a pair of boxers who would I belong to..." he mused, then perked up. "Quinn!" he decided. "Wait, what are we talking about?"
Gerard sat back heavily on the bed, and cradled his head in his hands. Mrs McCracken rushed into the room suddenly. She looked from Gerard to Bert, and sighed in relief. "Oh thank goodness,"
Bert's brows furrowed in confusion, "Wha'?"
"I heard something about 'boxers' and then Gerard kept saying 'oh my god' and I heard a thump so..."
Bert sat up from the floor, to better glare at his mother. "So, from that meagre information you assumed we were fucking?"
Looking rather cornered, Mrs McCracken adopted the defence mechanism of all McCrackens and inched backward out of the room without breaking eye contact.
Bert glared at her until she had disappeared from view. He lay on his stomach on the floor, putting his elbows out and putting his chin in his hands. Even in the depth of his crisis, Gerard somehow found the energy to insult him. "You look like an eleven year old girl. You should have pigtails."
Bert actually took this quite seriously, he fingered his hair. "Hmm...Yes. Yes I should." He decided, making mental plans to do that tomorrow for work.
Gerard shook his head in despair and Bert picked at his nails. "Okay, I have a Plan. You," he pointed at Gerard, lest he get the idea he was speaking to someone else. "must slowly seduce Dean. I'll...distract Mikey for you. OR! Or, I can sleep with Mikey and when Dean finds out he cheated on her, with a guy, especially, she'll be disgusted. And she'll look for comfort in your arms."
"That won't work, Mikey's not gay. Or even bi." Gerard shook his head.
"We'll see." Bert said, deciding not to tell Gerard that it wouldn't have been the first time he'd slept with Mikey. "It's not like Mikey hasn't cheated on her before."
Gerard's head snapped up. "What?"
Crap. "Um...Nothing?" Bert said hopefully. Gerard stood and stopped in front of him. "What." Gerard repeated. Bert remained silent, instead choosing to go with a blank smile. Gerard looked at him. Then knelt on Bert's back and dug his knee in. "Owowowowow! Ow, Gerard! Fine fine fine. Stoppit stoppit, I'll tell you!"
Standing, Gerard stared at Bert, who looked at him rather sheepishly. "Um ...well see, Mikey and er...I may have. May have ...slept together."
"You slept with my little brother?!"
"Um...May have?" Bert offered, then thought, well, in for a penny, in for a pound. "On...er...more than one occasion."
Gerard grasped his shoulders and for one scary second, Bert was sure he was gonna hit him. Instead he scooped him up into a hug. "Bert! I love you I love you I love you, this is great! Mikey's a cheater!"
A rather bemused Bert nodded slooooowly. "Riiiggght...Yeah. Great..."
"No, see, now I don't have to feel bad about liking Dean!" Gerard said with excitement.
"Er...right." Said Bert, relieved. "So, what about Quinn?"
Gerard sat back and thought for a second. "Ok, I've got it. I'll talk to Quinn. We'll discuss what I'll say tomorrow. I gotta go home now!" Pecking his best friend's cheek, Gerard hopped out the window, calling a "Bye!" and disappearing before Mrs McCracken could force feed him.
